Slob Rants
Slob Rant
'He who cannot see‑eth should not driveth!'
You sling your leg over the bike, nonchalantly stare at the rumbling black clouds and think "Bollocks to the rain, I'll make it". Blip the throttle and you're off. Wrap‑arounds on and face exposed to the elements with the old piss pot lid, you think nothing of the odd drop of Godly spittle falling from the sky. You're aware that a thin film of rain on some the winding lanes that trucks use could pose a hazard, so you back off a touch, more than you would normally.
You get out onto the motorway and the heavens open, hundreds of litres of water fall earthwards. It's strange how the temperature always drops enough that the rain feels like needles trying to flay the skin from your face. Not a problem, we've been here before. Forget the drumming on your now soaking jeans and press on, be vigilant the nightmare is about to begin.
Reg is sat in his Carlton estate, regularly serviced and containing such apparel as a dog blanket, fire extinguisher and first‑kit. Reg loves his car, cleans it regulary and never tires of telling his neighbour Jack what a bargain when he got the car 15 years previous. Anne is in her Fiesta, not in great shape - tatty you might say. It is to be expected of a student, car full of fast‑food wrappers and beers cans, the seats hiding the odd bit of skunk that had tumbled out of an oversized tulip reefer. Anne isn't an average student, she doesn't subscribe to the 'getting credit and buying a decent car', or the 'getting legless every night'. No, Anne a student who is there to learn, even if the cost of her social life is a straight‑laced girl.
You see it before Reg does, a small blue Fiesta four cars up has just stamped on the brakes. From what you could see there was no object in the road, there was no truck shedding its load. The only discernable change was the fact that a few drops of water hit her windscreen. There are a couple of possible outcomes here, Reg who happens to be behind doesn't react quickly enough and all hell is let loose leaving you a couple of seconds to brake and head for the cenral reservation… much better now there is a concrete barrier and a hardshoulder in the center of the motorway, instead of the old armco and gravel. But in fact you had been watching your mirrors and had seen the beemer in the middle lane backing off because his junction was coming up. You manage to dive out of lane just as it all kicks off, sensible choice as Anne had just caused a 3‑car pile up and a ten‑mile tailback.
Fantasy? You think? If you have ever ridden your bike in anything other than sunshine you will have met both Anne and Reg. Reg swerves when he reads signs, Anne is so tense she can't react quickly enough when she is in real danger. Now here's the kicker, cars have three mirrors and windscreen wipers. Car drivers have a third more chance than a biker of seeing what is going on around them and they don't even have to move their hands off the fucking controls to get a better view through the rain. Every time a biker wipes their visor or their googles to clear the view they lose a second or two of reaction time. What is it about rain that makes cagers so fucking unpredictable? Surely the last thing they want to do is damage their precious vehicle and be responsible for injuring a biker. I am now going to start a campaign called:
"Piss in the mouths of cagers who can't drive in the rain"
The idea is that we all round up the bad rain drivers, stick them on a skid pan with a sprinkler system,. Those who can't cut it wil be chained to a table a force‑fed human faeces (see what I did there?). Very soon the word will spread and legislation will be passed! The 'Bill of Slobery' will become a reality and bikers will be safe in the knowledge that car drivers daren't be stupid in the rain, and those that are stupid are clearly shit‑eaters!
‑The end (not bloody likely)
You get out onto the motorway and the heavens open, hundreds of litres of water fall earthwards. It's strange how the temperature always drops enough that the rain feels like needles trying to flay the skin from your face. Not a problem, we've been here before. Forget the drumming on your now soaking jeans and press on, be vigilant the nightmare is about to begin.
Reg is sat in his Carlton estate, regularly serviced and containing such apparel as a dog blanket, fire extinguisher and first‑kit. Reg loves his car, cleans it regulary and never tires of telling his neighbour Jack what a bargain when he got the car 15 years previous. Anne is in her Fiesta, not in great shape - tatty you might say. It is to be expected of a student, car full of fast‑food wrappers and beers cans, the seats hiding the odd bit of skunk that had tumbled out of an oversized tulip reefer. Anne isn't an average student, she doesn't subscribe to the 'getting credit and buying a decent car', or the 'getting legless every night'. No, Anne a student who is there to learn, even if the cost of her social life is a straight‑laced girl.
You see it before Reg does, a small blue Fiesta four cars up has just stamped on the brakes. From what you could see there was no object in the road, there was no truck shedding its load. The only discernable change was the fact that a few drops of water hit her windscreen. There are a couple of possible outcomes here, Reg who happens to be behind doesn't react quickly enough and all hell is let loose leaving you a couple of seconds to brake and head for the cenral reservation… much better now there is a concrete barrier and a hardshoulder in the center of the motorway, instead of the old armco and gravel. But in fact you had been watching your mirrors and had seen the beemer in the middle lane backing off because his junction was coming up. You manage to dive out of lane just as it all kicks off, sensible choice as Anne had just caused a 3‑car pile up and a ten‑mile tailback.
Fantasy? You think? If you have ever ridden your bike in anything other than sunshine you will have met both Anne and Reg. Reg swerves when he reads signs, Anne is so tense she can't react quickly enough when she is in real danger. Now here's the kicker, cars have three mirrors and windscreen wipers. Car drivers have a third more chance than a biker of seeing what is going on around them and they don't even have to move their hands off the fucking controls to get a better view through the rain. Every time a biker wipes their visor or their googles to clear the view they lose a second or two of reaction time. What is it about rain that makes cagers so fucking unpredictable? Surely the last thing they want to do is damage their precious vehicle and be responsible for injuring a biker. I am now going to start a campaign called:
"Piss in the mouths of cagers who can't drive in the rain"
The idea is that we all round up the bad rain drivers, stick them on a skid pan with a sprinkler system,. Those who can't cut it wil be chained to a table a force‑fed human faeces (see what I did there?). Very soon the word will spread and legislation will be passed! The 'Bill of Slobery' will become a reality and bikers will be safe in the knowledge that car drivers daren't be stupid in the rain, and those that are stupid are clearly shit‑eaters!
‑The end (not bloody likely)
